When you are trying to get pregnant it seems like everything in your body and mind align in that signal desire to conceive.
For some lucky few, that is all it takes. For others all the desire in the world doesn’t make it so. The unfulfilled desire for a baby can be overwhelming, all-consuming, and steal your trust and faith in your body and yourself.
Read to the end to discover what you can do to reclaim your sense of self, restore your faith, and re-establish a connection with your body’s ability to conceive.
When I decided I was ready to start a family, it felt like a switch flipped. Like turning on the first light in the morning when it’s still dark out and the brightness and strength of the light is jarring. That’s what it felt like to flip the baby making switch.
But as I’ve seen in my work with other women and in my own experience there are shades of gray. Wanting a baby isn’t just black or white- wanting or not wanting. The desire for a baby is more like a dimmer switch than an off/on switch. Let’s use the analogy of a ceiling fan on a dimmer switch.
Certainly there is the click that signals it’s on, just like when you switch from not wanting to get pregnant to wanting to start a family. But then there are different grades of strength.
LEVEL 1
At the first level you can hear the low hum of the fan and a subtle breeze indicating it is on. That’s like when you’ve decided you are open to the possibility of having a baby. You’ve “pulled the goalie” but haven’t given it much thought except to think that you’re ready for whatever happens, when it happens. You feel the subtle pull and the low hum of desire but it’s more of a “nice to have” rather than a “need to have.”
LEVEL 2
At the second level you the strength of the breeze is a bit stronger and the sound of the fan is more noticeable. Similarly, the voice in your head or body, wherever you feel or hear the desire, is a bit stronger. You feel a tug when someone announces their pregnancy or you see a new baby. You’ve made the mental shift from “nice to have” to “I’m ready now! I want that!” Just as when you turn up the fan it is to get a result (cool the room), you are now considering the causal relationship between what you are doing or can be doing (supplements, self care) and what you want (to get pregnant). The approach shifts from “it’ll happen when it happens” to “what can I do to make it happen?” Now is a great time to consider investing in some guidance and support, both from a community of others who are where you are and from experts in fertility who can offer practical strategies and information to improve your fertility.
LEVEL 3
By the third level the strength of your desire is considerable. I find by the 3rd setting on a ceiling fan the sound of the buzzing and the intensity of the breeze is a bit bothersome. It’s hard to ignore and dominates my attention. Similarly, the desire to have a baby at this level is overwhelming. It consumes your thoughts and can be distracting and disruptive. It affects your relationship with your partner, with others, and even with yourself. You started from a place of calm and equanimity, “It’ll happen when it’s meant to happen,” and now you're at, “WTF! Why is it not happening? What is wrong with me? Why isn’t my body working! If I have to attend another baby shower….” This level of desire steals your composure and your intuition. It’s easy to become at odds with yourself instead of trusting or connecting to your body.
LEVEL 4
Finally by the 4th level of a ceiling fan the intensity is so strong that the fan begins to rattle and you worry it might come off its hinges and crash onto the floor beneath it. Desire for a baby can get so intense that it makes even the most grounded people a bit unhinged. At this point you are begging, praying, bartering. You might be considering giving up, cursing your own body, God, the universe, everyone around you who is getting pregnant. Liable to strangle anyone who asks when you’re having a baby or suggesting why don’t you try…” You’re at risk of crashing, unable to withstand the weight of your desire, a bone deep yearning for a baby.
If you’re at the 3rd or 4th level, try a check in. Now is a good time to consider seeking more answers.
Have you done any testing? Bloodwork? Hysterosalpingogram? Are you working with anyone on your fertility? An acupuncturist, functional medicine practitioner, nutritionist, fertility coach? OBGYN or Reproductive Endocrinologist?
Have you checked in with yourself?
It is easy to get so consumed with your desire for a baby that you lose touch with yourself. But connection is critical to conception. There is an essential connection between the Heart and the Uterus. When it is disconnected or blocked by fear, distrust, or trauma, conception is unlikely. A closed Heart engenders a closed Uterus. Taking inventory of any fears, hesitations or trauma and processing them is an important part of re-establishing connection and opening your body and mind to the possibility of conception.
Another consideration: What are you doing to get the results you want?
When you envision a fertile woman who can conceive easily what is she like? What does her daily life look like? What does her diet and lifestyle look like? What is her mindset like? Does your life resemble hers? How can you make changes to embody more of that fertile woman you envision?
This exercise is not meant as a comparison to discourage or shame you. Rather it is meant to help give you direction for where to go from here. Often we hit a wall when trying to conceive and redirection can give you a new path to what you want. Redirecting is like standing at a locked door and discovering there is an open window just to it’s left. That window, that check-in, offers an entirely new route to what you desire when you thought the door was closed.
I am working on a new evolution of the fertility program I started with Conceiving Zen.
This new program, Peak Fertility, which is just an idea at this point, will guide you not only through your cycle with practical and actionable strategies to help improve the physical conditions necessary to conceive (egg quality, lining thickness, reduce inflammation, regulate your cycle), like in Conceiving Zen, but also check in and address the mental and emotional obstacles to conceiving so that you have a clear vision of the optimally fertile woman who want to embody and the tools to make it happen.
*(Anyone who has previously purchased Conceiving Zen or wants to get started ASAP by purchasing now will be grandfathered into the new program when it is available).